The baby is sleeping, but Mom can't

The baby started this insomnia, but it isn't the baby keeping it going now

Key points in 30 seconds

1. Sometimes, even after the baby starts sleeping through the night, Mom's sleep doesn't come back. This isn't about having a sensitive personality.
2. Months of standby mode, kept up so you could "get up instantly whenever you're woken," got paired with the bed night after night, and the brain learned that "the bed is a place for standing by."
3. So even after the cause has passed, the learned response remains. What was learned can be unlearned through new learning.
4. The key is one distinction: whether waking up tonight was alertness the baby caused or alertness your own body created. Waking up because the baby cried isn't something to train away. That's parenting.
5. Medication while breastfeeding isn't something to decide on your own, either way. Both taking it and stopping what you've been taking should be decided in consultation with the prescribing doctor, after telling them you're breastfeeding.

What we often hear

• "The baby sleeps through the night now, but I'm the one waking up every two hours."
• "My body feels like it's falling apart, but the moment I lie down I'm wide awake."
• "I think 'the baby will wake up soon,' so I end up awake waiting ahead of time."
• "They said it was because of the baby. So why am I still like this?"

You finally get the baby to sleep and lie down at last. But sleep won't come. One ear stays open, turned toward the baby's room.

Up to this point, it's an ordinary night in a home with a newborn. The problem is what comes next.

Even after the baby starts sleeping through the night, Mom's sleep doesn't come back.

Why can't you sleep when the baby is sleeping?

Giving birth and caring for a newborn is a period that forcibly breaks sleep into pieces. Insomnia during this period is a natural short-term reaction.

But months of standby mode leave a problem behind: the state of sleeping lightly, half on duty, with one ear open.

As this alertness gets paired with the bed night after night, the brain learns that "bed = a place for standing by." So even after the cause has passed, the learned response remains.

The baby started this insomnia, but it isn't the baby keeping it going now.

And this isn't about having a sensitive personality; it's about learning that months of nights have carved into your body. What was learned can be unlearned through new learning.

Between medication and breastfeeding

There's a dilemma many mothers find themselves trapped in.

Without medication, sleep falls apart and parenting and daily life crumble. Take it and sleep, and you feel sorry toward the baby you're nursing and are weighed down with guilt.

At this fork in the road, there's something to make clear first. Taking medication while breastfeeding isn't something to decide on your own, either way. Neither taking something on your own nor stopping something you've been taking on your own. It must be decided in consultation with the prescribing doctor, after telling them you're breastfeeding.

And there's good news. The first-line treatment for insomnia isn't medication to begin with. Training that rebuilds the link between bed and sleep, which we call bed retraining, is the first-line recommendation in international guidelines, and this method doesn't conflict with breastfeeding.

Bed retraining during the parenting years starts with this distinction

Was waking up tonight alertness the baby caused, or alertness your own body created?

Waking up because the baby cried isn't something to train away. That's parenting.

What we train is the time you're awake looking at the clock even though the baby is quiet, and the time you're wide awake after putting the baby down and lying down yourself.

For that time, use the rules I described in the previous post.

• If you're wide awake in bed for more than 15–20 minutes, get out of bed. Just take the baby monitor with you to the living room. Go back when you feel sleepy
• However the night fell apart, keep your morning wake-up time as consistent as possible
• Don't wake up early and wait, predicting "the baby will wake up soon"

It's practice in letting your ears do the job of watching over the baby, and letting your body sleep.

Just one thing about the baby's sleep, too

Textbooks note that by around 8 months of age, 60–70% of babies develop the ability to fall back asleep on their own when they wake at night, and that if an adult always steps in immediately every time they wake at night, the development of that ability may be delayed.

This means that pausing briefly and waiting when the baby cries isn't just for Mom's sleep.

However, this depends on the baby's age in months and health. The right order is to decide on the approach that suits your baby together with your pediatrician.

What to check before sleep

Insomnia after childbirth often comes together with mood.

Separate from not being able to sleep, if you've felt down for more than two weeks, find yourself crying for no reason, or feel that your heart just isn't going out to your baby, it may not be a sleep problem but a postpartum mental health problem.

That's something to be addressed first by an OB-GYN or mental health care. In these cases, sleep often improves along with that treatment.

Here's how our care goes, together with you

First, we draw a map of your sleep. You keep a 1–2 week sleep diary, and each time you wake, you mark whether "the baby woke me" or "I woke on my own." This distinction shows exactly what needs treating. Along with this, we check how you're recovering after childbirth with blood tests and a body composition test, plus abdominal and pulse diagnosis.

Next, we retrain while switching off alertness. With acupuncture and pharmacopuncture we work on tension and pain built up from caring for the baby, down to wrists, shoulders and lower back worn out from holding the baby. Bed retraining is designed at an intensity that fits your baby's schedule.

If you're in a condition where herbal medicine could help, we first ask whether you're breastfeeding and decide whether to prescribe it, and what to put in it, accordingly. Knowing you're breastfeeding, we won't push it on you.

Then, we check by the number of times you woke on your own. Even if nights the baby wakes you can't be helped, if the number of times you woke on your own and the time it takes you to fall back asleep are going down, the treatment is working. The order in which we look at sleep is laid out in our insomnia care page.

One thing to do tonight

Not early hours awake before the baby, watching the clock, but mornings when you only wake at the baby's sounds. The ordinary sentence "when the baby sleeps, I can sleep too" becoming true again. That's what we aim for.

The pace of recovery varies from person to person, depending on how long the insomnia has lasted and your breastfeeding and childcare situation. But you can start tonight.

If you wake up tonight, write down just one thing: did the baby wake me, or did I wake up?

Bring a week of those marks with you, and we'll make a plan together to give you back your share of the night.

Many people come in on weekends while someone else watches the baby. That's one of the reasons we're open every day.

For questions or appointments, message us in English through the messenger at the bottom right of the page, or call +82-53-716-1175.

The evidence on sleep where you wake up during the night is in the director's column Waking up during the night is insomnia too.