"I didn't sleep a wink," I say. "You were snoring," says my family

You may both be telling the truth

Key points in 30 seconds

1. There's a state where the body sleeps but the brain fails to record that sleep as sleep. The distress is real. But its cause lies not in the amount of sleep but in the sense of sleep.
2. Everyone wakes lightly for brief moments during the night. The stretches spent asleep leave no memory, and only the moments awake stay in memory. Piece those fragments together, and the night in your head becomes "a night I was awake the whole time."
3. It happens even outside extreme cases. Most people with insomnia feel that they slept less than they actually did, and that it took longer to fall asleep than it actually did.
4. This matters because the misperception becomes the engine that keeps insomnia going. The certainty that you didn't sleep raises anxiety during the day, and that desperation gets in the way of sleep again.
5. And if this state is mistaken for ordinary insomnia, you may end up taking sleeping pills for a long time. That's why testing comes before medication.

What we often hear

• "I'm the one who tossed and turned all night, but nobody believes me."
• "It hurts that people treat me like I'm faking."
• "Some days even I'm confused. Did I sleep or not?"
• "I've hardly slept for months, but I'm still going to work."

"I didn't sleep a wink last night." "What are you talking about? You were snoring."

You've probably had this conversation. And felt the hurt in that moment, too.

Let me start with what needs to be made clear. You're not lying. And your family isn't lying either. You may both be telling the truth.

The person who hadn't slept a wink in 5 years

Let me share a case described in a textbook.

There was a person who said they hadn't slept a wink at night for 5 years. Add up all the sleep over 5 years, they said, and it came to 0 hours.

But when they did a test that measures sleep overnight with brain wave sensors attached, they slept 7 hours, snoring.

And when they got up in the morning, they said it again: "I didn't sleep a wink."

The body slept, but the memory didn't

This state has a name. Textbooks call it paradoxical insomnia, or sleep state misperception.

Put simply, here's how it works.

Everyone wakes lightly for brief moments during the night. But the stretches spent asleep leave no memory; only the moments awake stay in memory.

Piece together only those awake fragments, and the night in your head becomes "a night I was awake the whole time."

The distress is real. But the cause of that distress lies not in the amount of sleep but in the sense of sleep.

And this isn't just someone else's story

What textbooks treat as more important is this.

Even outside extremes like the case above, most people with insomnia feel that it took longer to fall asleep than it actually did, and that they slept less than they actually did.

It's only a matter of degree; some amount of misperception is always mixed into nights of insomnia.

So the fact that your family's account and your memory differ isn't because something's wrong with you. It's the nature of the state called insomnia.

Why this matters

Because the misperception becomes the engine that keeps insomnia going.

The certainty that "I only slept three hours again last night" raises anxiety during the day. If this keeps up, something terrible will happen. I absolutely have to sleep tonight.

The moment you lie down carrying that desperation, the body tenses up, a tense body can't fall asleep, and the next day's certainty grows even firmer.

It's a cycle where the belief that you didn't sleep really does get in the way of sleep.

There's one more serious risk

Textbooks warn that if this state is mistaken for ordinary insomnia, you may end up taking sleeping pills for a long time.

In reality, the amount of sleep isn't greatly lacking, but the medication continues in order to erase the feeling of "I can't sleep."

So the recommendation is clear. When this misperception is suspected, checking your actual sleep with a test comes before starting sleeping pills.

When might you suspect it?

When you say "I've hardly slept for months," yet strangely your daytime life keeps going. If day after day you say you only slept a few hours, yet you're still managing to drive, work and keep up with housework. If you really hadn't slept that much, you wouldn't be able to get through the day.

When what the family member who sleeps beside you says and your own memory differ greatly, again and again.

If both apply to you, it's not something to argue about but something to check.

Sometimes the check itself becomes treatment

Textbooks describe people who get better just by seeing their test results and confirming "I was sleeping more than I thought."

When the fear of "I didn't sleep" that built up night after night switches off, the sleep that fear was blocking comes back.

Another method used is to set your sleep diary and measured records side by side and compare them, instead of relying on day-to-day memory.

Our care goes in this order

First, we look for clues of a mismatch. Through a sleep diary and questions, we match up the picture of your nights and days as you describe them. For people who say they hardly sleep yet keep functioning during the day, or whose accounts differ greatly from their family's, we first point you to a facility that can do testing. Especially if you're considering sleeping pills, testing comes before medication.

Next, we switch off alertness and retrain the bed. Apart from whether you get tested, the methods textbooks list as treatment for this state are exactly the methods we guide you through as bed retraining. We reverse habits such as dozing on the sofa and then being wide awake in bed, or going to bed early for fear of not sleeping. With acupuncture, pharmacopuncture and herbal medicine matched to your tests, we also work on the bodily tension and alertness created by "the certainty that I didn't sleep."

Then, we check with a different number. The report card for this treatment isn't "how many hours did you sleep." It's whether the night has become less frightening, and whether the time you spend calculating your sleep in the morning has gone down. We look at those changes in your diary together. The order in which we look at sleep is laid out in our insomnia care page.

What to ask your family today

A morning that starts without calculating "how many hours did I sleep last night." A breakfast table where your family's "you were sleeping fine" doesn't hurt. That's what we aim for.

Progress varies from person to person, depending on how strong the misperception is and how long the insomnia has lasted. But there's something you can check today.

Ask the family member who sleeps beside you today: "How was I last night?"

If their answer and your memory differ greatly, write that difference down and bring it with you. It's not material for an argument but a clue for your care.

For questions or appointments, message us in English through the messenger at the bottom right of the page, or call +82-53-716-1175.

The evidence on sleep where you wake up during the night is in the director's column Waking up during the night is insomnia too.